I’m pretty lucky. I have ideas. Plenty of ideas. But what I lack on most occasions is that will to leap into something full on. I think myself out of doing many, many things. For whatever reason. But after a bout with the most horrendous melancholy, where I found myself feeling so lacking control over my own life, where a sort of weird invisibility was starting to take over, I remembered that in my very mind is a vault of possible doings that could…when time permits…keep me busy expressing, harnessing and offering every bit of ME that gets lost in the day to day.
I have to be productive in a creative way--that is my very own anti-anxiety/anti-depressant cocktail that has been a sort of saving grace since I can remember. But for the past few weeks I have felt so useless on the creative front…uninspired.
Which is scary.
But then it happened. Melancholy. And when it did, like a jolt, I jumped to journaling.
I wrote out every thought that came. Every bit of pettiness that was going through me. Every fear. I got honest, real honest, with myself, with what I'm not doing that I should be doing.
There are no excuses when you are faced with your own truth.
Nothing sets a fire so fast like listening to your own Spirit’s voice. People can tell you what you need to do all day, but it takes you--that inner voice of pure guidance-- to sweetly tell you what‘s up.
Then you have to listen.
And listen I did.
My life, the one I fear losing control over, is facing many changes. And not a single one of those changes is bad. Like I said, I’m pretty lucky. But knowing what I need to do every day, even if it’s a three word line of text, even it’s an idea that is scribbled out to do at a later date, or a quick sketch that could turn into another involved piece…It will be something.